By Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
Note: This article focuses not on actual bullying—which is serious and should be treated as such—but rather on more typical, everyday conflict between kids that happens intermittently.
Your child comes home and tells you, “Robert kicked me on my new shoe and pushed me into a pole.” Your first instinct might be to hate Robert, and you might even surprise yourself with some dark thoughts about vigilante justice.
But then a moment passes and you remember that Robert is a kindergartener. Your adult brain returns and you recall that you’re not at all in favor of any kind of verbal or physical aggression, especially not against five-year-olds. And that this might even be an opportunity to empower your child and teach them some skills.
But you do want to make sure that your child is not being hurt at school, so what do you do?
1. First, pause and be curious. Being as objective as possible, ask yourself a few questions:
Is this typical behavior and conflict for kids this age?
Can I get comfortable waiting to see if the children handle it without my interference, and see if it comes up again?
Do I ever “interview for pain” (awesome phrase by Dr. Michael Thompson) when my kids get home from school? In other words, do I give attention to all the “wrongs” of the day instead of focusing on the “rights” of the day?
What kinds of messages do I send in the way I respond to my child’s stories of things that happen? Do I send messages that I trust that the school and the adults in charge will keep my child safe and help them solve problems? (And if you don’t trust that, it’s important that you talk with school leadership about that and work together.)
Does my typical response give my child the message that I trust that they are a good problem-solver? Do they comprehend that I’ll be there to listen and help when needed, but that I don’t always have to rush in and rescue at the first sign of trouble?
Do I look for ways to empower my child to come up with their own ideas and to problem-solve, since they are often better experts about the playground politics than I am?
Keep in mind: You are co-constructing with your child their view of who they are and how well they can handle things.
2. If, having asked yourself these questions, you feel that you should take action, begin by talking to your child’s teacher. Do it in a way that communicates collaboration and partnership, with an awareness that your child’s version of the events, context, and meaning of the situation may not fully explain the whole context. You can say, “I heard from Carson that Robert was being rough yesterday. I may not have the whole story, so I’m wondering if you’ve noticed any conflict between these two or if you have any insight into whether it was just a one-time misunderstanding or if there’s something that needs to be addressed here? I just want to make sure Carson is feeling safe and has some tools and strategies to handle conflict with friends, so I was hoping to get your input.” Then work hard to really listen.
3. If you feel like you need to talk to the parent(s)of the other child, the way you approach things matters a lot, and there are a few things you should keep in mind.
The other parent may have heard a very different story in which your child is the perpetrator and their child is the victim. There’s even a chance they may be right, or that the truth lies between both children’s versions. They may therefore be feeling upset or reactive toward your child, or defensive about theirs.
Again, don’t assume you have the full version of the whole story. It may not even be that your child is being dishonest as much as that they missed some of the information or didn’t understand the child’s intention or context.
Use language that communicates that you are interested in joining and partnering with this other parent to make sure the kids get along, learn how to handle conflict, and be better friends. You might say, “I heard about some conflict between our children, and I’m only getting my kid’s version of the events, so I’m wondering what you’ve heard. I bet if we combine our stories, we’ll have a better sense of what happened.”
In other words, don’t go into the conversation assuming that their child is a monster and that yours is a perfect angel. If you accuse their child outright and imply their child is the perpetrator, they are unlikely to agree with you, and you’ll run the risk of instantly creating an adversarial dynamic. And, you’ll miss the opportunity to get some clarity about some skills your child needs to work on.
Since the kids go to the same school, you may have to be around these other parents for a long time, and your kids may end up best friends. Approach this situation as if the relationship with the other parents matters. Because it does.
4. Keep in mind that you are modeling for your own child how to handle conflict. How do you want them to approach conflict in their own lives? Defensively, accusingly, and as a victim? Or objectively and collaboratively, as someone who maintains strength and even empathy in the face of challenging situations?
5. Finally, use this experience as an opportunity to learn more about your child’s view of their experiences and perspective on the world. Some children feel that kids have conflict sometimes, and they can proactively respond to the situation and work through it. Others, though, are more passive and end up feeling targeted by other kids; they feel like a victim who has to wait for adults to intervene. Kids’ views of the meaning of the conflict and how they see themselves as either problem-solvers or victims come from the adults in their lives. Watch for what you see in your own child, and use this moment as an opportunity to build some skills and problem-solving, helping them feel like you trust that they can handle whatever comes their way, and that you will step in if you need to (not just automatically).