- A child’s tantrum may originate in the upstairs brain, meaning the child is in control and is using the moment to intentionally achieve a desired end. In moments like these, parents should respond with love, but set clear boundaries and avoid rewarding manipulative behavior.
- If, however, the tantrum originates in the more primal downstairs brain, and the child is truly out of control, then the parents’ response should be less about setting boundaries, and more about nurturing the child and guiding him back into a state of calm and control.
If you’ve heard me speak before, you may have heard me talk about the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain. Or maybe you’re read about the concepts here, where I help you teach the basic information to your kids.
Right now I want to apply that information in a way that can help us deal with one of the most unpleasant parenting issues we all face: the dreaded tantrum.
The Downstairs Brain and the Upstairs Brain
The basic idea is that we can think about our brain as a house, with a downstairs and an upstairs. The downstairs brain includes the brain stem and the limbic region, which are located in the lower parts of the brain, from the top of your neck to about the bridge of your nose. Scientists talk about these lower areas as being more primitive because they’re responsible for basic functions (like breathing and blinking), for innate reactions and impulses (like fight and flight), and for strong emotions (like anger and fear).
Your upstairs brain, on the other hand, handles much more sophisticated thinking. It’s made up of the cerebral cortex and its various parts—particularly the ones directly behind your forehead, including what’s called the middle prefrontal cortex. In other words, it is literally the higher (and thus upstairs) part of your brain. This is where more complex mental processing takes place, like thinking, imagining, and planning. Whereas the downstairs brain is primitive, the upstairs brain is highly sophisticated, controlling some of your most important higher-order and analytical thinking. Because of its sophistication and complexity, it is responsible for producing many of the characteristics we hope to see in our kids:
- Sound decision-making and planning
- Control over emotions and body
In other words, a child whose upstairs brain is properly functioning will demonstrate some of the most important characteristics of a mature and healthy human being.
Two Different Tantrums
What does all this have to do with tantrums? Well, when your child begins to throw a fit of some sort, one of the first questions you should ask yourself is whether it’s an upstairs tantrum or a downstairs tantrum.
An upstairs tantrum originates in the upstairs brain, and this is the strategic tantrum. Here the child is control of himself and is willfully and manipulatively acting upset to achieve a desired end: to get a toy he wants, to stay at the park longer, whatever. He is purposefully employing tactics to get things his way.
When you see an upstairs tantrum, in the words of Tina Fey, “Shut it down!” Do not give in. Your child is in control of himself and is trying to make your life so unpleasant at this moment that you choose to do something other than what you’ve already decided is best. Never negotiate with a terrorist. You should still be nurturing and respectful to your child, but your primary response should be to set and maintain a boundary.
If, however, you determine that your child is undergoing a downstairs tantrum, your response should be much more nurturing and sympathetic. If he’s so upset that he’s legitimately and honestly out of control, then he needs you in this moment. When you determine that he’s unable to regulate his emotions and actions, then it’s unjust to punish him or try to discipline him. If you ignore him when he’s in this emotional distress state, it’s like ignoring him when he’s physically in distress.
If his downstairs brain has taken over, he can’t remain calm and make good decisions, no matter how much you demand that he do so. Even if you give him what he wants, he’ll continue to lose his mind. In that instant, your job is to use a soothing voice and nonverbals (like touch and empathetic facial expressions) to help bring him back from the emotional precipice so he can regain control of himself. Then, once he’s calm, you can talk to him about making good choices, and you can handle whatever disciplinary issues you need to address once he’s recovered and it’s actually a teachable moment. While you’re still going to maintain boundaries, your main emphasis in these moments is comfort.
The Point: Remain Flexible, Providing Both Boundaries and Nurturing
The point here is not to get rigidly locked into one response for every tantrum. Instead, do what’s most loving. I know, I know. People always say that the proper way to address a tantrum is to ignore it. But if it’s an upstairs tantrum, you should directly address the inappropriate way your child is communicating, and if it’s a downstairs tantrum, he may need you to help him calm down and pull it together. You’ll need to employ boundaries and nurturing in both cases, but if your child is still in control, emphasize boundaries; and if he’s lost control, emphasize comfort. Even though it can be challenging, try to look beyond how difficult your child is making things for you in this moment, and provide him with what he most needs right now—clear communication about where the boundaries are, and lots and lots of love.