It’s a classic parenting dilemma, isn’t it? How do we get our kids to talk to us? The conversation itself is even more cliché:
--How was your day?
--Anything interesting happen?
A few years ago I found myself almost literally wincing as I heard myself ask my six-year-old the “How was your day?” question as he got into the car at the pick-up circle. It’s not that it’s a bad question, it’s just that I knew it wouldn’t encourage him to talk to me.
So why was I even asking the question? Wasn’t there something else I could do or say or ask that might get him to offer some of the mundane morsels I hungered for when I’d been away from him for six hours while he was at school?
I realized I needed to be more creative when it came to drawing out meaty details about my kids’ school lives. What I eventually came up with was a guessing game.
When I picked up my young son from school, I started asking him, “Tell me two things that really happened today, and one thing that didn’t. Then I’ll guess which two are true.”
The game may lack a certain amount of challenge for you—especially when your choices include “Ms. Derrick read us a story,” “Me and Ryan spied on the girls,” and “Captain Hook captured me and fed me to the alligator”—but it can quickly become a fun game that kids look forward to. It will not only open up their lives to you, since you get to hear about what they remember from school each day, but it can also help them get used to thinking back and reflecting on the events of their days.
Sometimes, with younger kids, you may have to adjust the game a bit. My husband tried the guessing game with my four-year-old after preschool one day, and the best my son could come up with was, “One boy pooped in his pants, and two boys didn’t poop in their pants.” (The answer, in case you’re stumped, was that no one pooped in their pants that particular day.)
So Scott shifted the game a bit, and made it a true-false game. Their conversation went something like this:
--True or false: You played with someone today.
--True or false: A new friend.
--True or false: The new friend is a girl.
--True or false: The boy’s name is Horatio.
And so on. After my husband made some headway with this discussion, he started in on activities from the school day. “True or false: You played on the swings today.
My young son had a great time playing the game (not to mention learning the word “false,” which he didn’t previously know), and Scott got to hear much more about the school day than he otherwise would have.
For older kids, you can just ask more specific questions, like “who did you eat lunch with today?” or “What was the hardest subject today?” or “Quiz me on a fact you learned in school today that you think I won’t be able to get right.” And sometimes you can get them warmed up to talk by starting the conversation by telling something about your day or something you’re thinking about.
You may have one of those kids who’s eager to talk when you pick them up, and they’ll just launch into a full-blown description of their day as soon as they see you. If not, be creative. For most of us, it’s not that our kids don’t want to talk to us. Sometimes they are just in the moment and can’t really remember the details immediately without some prompting. Other times, they’ve been talking or interacting all day and they’re just tired. Don’t force it.
It’s OK that they have a little piece of life away from you that’s all their own. And it’s good practice for you to start getting used to their independence and not sharing every detail of their life with you since later on, they probably won’t be calling you from work each day to tell you who they ate lunch with or what the boss thought of their big presentation.